After a whirl wind trip around the Caribbean and the US (I know, life is tough), I was sitting in the jumbo jet headed for home feeling like a jumbo pig. I had only been gone for one week, how could I possibly feel so porky after such a short amount of time? With winter just around the corner, the last thing I want is to look like a strung ham in my skinny jeans.
Then it dawned on me, Americans (who have also infected Aruba with their "upsized" attitude) have made me fat by feeding me full of meat, booze, doritos, cheese (especially the orange stuff out of a pump), free refill coffee and carbs upon carbs (home fries with an eggs benedict always seems god sent at the time). So, in hindsight it was no surprise that I was feeling like a pregnant pig, I had been eating bacon cheese burgers while sipping on pina coladas for a week and snacking on Doritos to fuel me for the walk from the pool to the casino, an exhausting 100m trek. But I kept thinking, when in Rome do as the lard laden Americans do.....
So it is time to get rid of the bacon rind and start the first ever diet(ish) of my life! The emptiness of my bank account, pressure of my top button and the feeling of being an over fed heffa in cattle class was enough motivation for me to put this change into action immediately!
They say it takes 3 weeks to break up any habit so, in stages, I will break each of those Americana habits I too willingly embraced over the past week and that I (over)moderately implement in my day-to-day diet. The thought of not indulging in six of my favourite things makes me feel anxious but I just need to take a few deep snorts and bite the bacon!
The Porkless Pig Challenge:
Who? Me, Truffle Pig
What? A 9 week challenge eliminating six of my favourite things from my diet
Why? No idea, I am starting to regret it already. But, I will do it to test my will power, relieve the seams of my jeans from tension and learn to cook and eat differently
- Stage 1: Three weeks with no meat* or chips
- Stage 2: Three weeks with no booze* or carbs**
- Stage 3: Three weeks with no coffee or dairy*
Those that know me are probably laughing and thinking this is Mission Impossible and rightfully so. My "No Chip" weeks usually end in me going 24 hours without then waking up from a what I call a "Samboy Blackout" with chicken flavouring on the tip of every trotter, a bloated belly, a sty of crumbs surrounding me and a very amused/terrified household.
So, by taking this challenge publicly I hope to stick to my guns with the support from my readers and friends - you will all have to deal with my mood swings, withdrawals and hold me back from attacking any pack of Doritos within reach. On the plus side, I will be forced to expand my culinary skills by delving into vegetarianism which is a foreign concept for me as I like my steak rare and my life motto is "if there's no meat, it's an entrée".
Will I have a mental break down? Will I start gnawing at my own arm? Will I die? Will I save money? Will I lose weight? Will I replace barramundi for bacon forever? Will I succeed? Or will I be found oinking in a self-made sty in 711 snorting Samboys, Gaytimes and meat pies at 3am on day 3? ........................ Your guess it as good as mine.
Oink oink, Truffle Pig.
*Exceptions made for meals I can't avoid i.e work events, weddings or birthday celebrations. Any infringements of the challenge will add an addition day to the stage.
**I will draw the line at calling a banana a carb so my diet will only restrict pasta, bread and rice.